Let's catch up, shall we?

So, it's been forever since my last post and there's many reasons, such as: procrastination, nothing to write (not true, but an easy excuse), way too busy, yes, that's a good one.

Well, the truth is a little bit of all of them. So, it's catch up time.

The vasectomy part 2 story, redux version. Here's what I've learned. Always, ALWAYS do what a doctor tells you to do when it comes to that area. Infection? Yes. Panic? Yes. Everything okay now? Yes. DO EVERYTHING your doctor says to do, don't question it, you are not smarter than he/she when it comes to this procedure.


The busy part. Most of you may know I went back to work for "The Man". I had worked for myself four years and a change was a blowin'. Gone are the days of getting up at 10, getting to work at 11, checking email, going to lunch, do a little work and leave at 4. Gone also are the ups and downs on income, the freedom to do what I want, when I want. Here now are things like, full time employment, steady paycheck and new challenges. So, so far it's all good. In a weird twist of fate, my old boss is my new boss. Everything old is new again eh?

Yeah, that's my actual directors chair the cast and crew of "Price Check" bought me. It's time to bring it out of storage. Lots going on in the audio/video front. I'm shooting my first commercial for a major Bank firm. We had auditions last week and auditioned some great talent who are actually working actors as their day job. This is a pretty big project for me as it's a REAL commercial, albeit an online commercial. I'm getting to co-write, direct and edit. Fun stuff!!! I'll keep the rest quiet for now because we're still in pre-production. Hopefully more of that in the future.

I'm working on another music video for Shock Of Pleasure, Dan B. has shot some B roll footage and we're going to start hashing out a story-line, storyboards etc soon.

I've also dug out a script I started a few years ago. It's a drama called "A Previous Monster", a "What if?" kind of story and I think quite different from anything you've seen (or haven't seen) from me before. This is my new project and will be the next thing I write, direct and edit that's personal. Keep your eyes peeled here for more info later.

I've been watching the new reality series "On The Lot" and I have to say it's pretty interesting. Yeah, they're making it into a bit of a spectacle, but hey it's "reality tv". I should've tried out, even if I didn't make it, I could've said I sent something in instead of sitting on my brain pan. I think there's some talented people on the show and I'm rooting for a couple of them.

There's a lot going on with Lori and I on the cancer front. Not all good news and not all bad. If you want to know more, check her site, Miss Melanoma.com, it'll catch you up to date.

Also, go see "Sicko" by Michael Moore when it comes out. It's about the state of the health care system in America, or lack of it. I like his work for the most part, but I'm not a huge Michael Moore fan, in fact, I think he can be as radically biased as his nay sayers are. He tells a slanted story, but even at that, it's a story that Lori and I have dealt with first hand trying to get her treatment for cancer without insurance. Take notice, it's a real problem.

That's a quick recap. I'll try and update more often, especially on the A/V front for those that are interested.

I've seen people posting things they're currently listening to and why not? Currently on my iPod rotation is Dawn Landes, Amy Seeley, The Mermaid Purse, Keane, Pete Yorn, Air, The Postal Service, and The Dixie Chicks (yes, that's right).

Don't believe the government - my newly acquired conspiracy theory twitch I've developed.
Bobby

Vasectomy - AKA Nut Snip 2k7

For years I talked about getting a vasectomy. I've never wanted kids. In fact it was the reason that an ex-girlfriend and I didn't work out.

Many delays and punking out led up to last week when I decided it was time. So, I made my appointment and went in for an initial consult.

For the sake of anonymity let's called my vasectomy liason at Planned Parenthood Svetlana. Now Svetlana is from Russia I believe and pretty darn hot. In fact all the ladies working there were hot. I don't know if that's some sort of ploy or what. Anyway, Svetlana is very hands on, touching your arm, rubbing your shoulder that kind of thing. She said she had a video for me to watch and it was a little outdated. So, she's trying to get this video playing. She gets down on her knees and out pops her little white g-string. I've seen thicker sewing thread than this. She's bending over, saying things like "I can't get it in, can you help me? It's too tight or stuck or something". By now I'm looking for Alan Funt Jr. to pop out and say I'm on Candid Camera. I saw way too much of her butt crack. Or not enough depending on your view.

She gets the video to play and says it's around 10 minutes. So I'm sitting there watching this video and for those of you who know George (from Mandy's side of the world), the "Dr." looked just like him. Tim and Tina in the video had 2 children and were over it. Tim stepped up to the plate and offered himself for the snip snip instead of the wifey going in for the full overhaul. There were questions to be asked and they did a good job of asking them. After they left, they hopped back in their Dodge K car (really) and were talking while the soft rock classic (now, not then) "Foolish Heart" by Steve Perry was playing. They casually talk about how nice it will be once the procedure is done. Translation: Look bitch, I ain't knocking you up again. In fact I think you're boning the milkman and we'll know pretty soon eh?

I digress.
She sits me down after the video and asks the typical "are you sure questions" all the while her knee is touching mine. COME ON! I swear it's some sort of test.

Anyway, so I say yes I'm sure. She says we can get you into the office for the procedure in 5 days or 14. I tell her I'm tired of waiting and opt for the 5 days.

Well, I'd been pretty calm about it until last night (the night before the operation). I didn't sleep a wink and was having some serious anxiety. They told me when I came in for the operation they could give me a valium. Yes, please.

So, I go in, take the valium, pee in a cup and generally freak out. I seriously considered leaving. I started to realize how, very sharp scalpels, prods, grabbing tools etc were not meant to be near my frank and beans. I wait as other guys who are white as a ghost go in before me. Finally they call my name and yes, the valium had kicked in. I was relaxed, but still very nervous. My nurse was awesome and really tried to calm me down, but I'd already decided to stick my wallet in my mouth to chomp on. She put the dressing on me, pulled out the beans, cleaned 'em up with some iodine and said the doctor would be here shortly.

This is the part where it was completely valid in my head to run out of the patient room, out the hallway, into the lobby, in the elevator and run while my jackson and johnson were hanging out through this plastic covered "tarp" that exposed things you usually keep private.

Then, in walks the doctor. I tell him I'm very nervous. I'm not sure be he said you should be. Ha, freaking Ha. I ask him if he's had it done and he say's "No! I'm 30". Ummm, ok. Meanwhile he said he's going to look for the Vas (term for the sperm highway tube) from both testacles.

NOW. Things are weird enough that another man is yanking on my balls like he's the huncback of Notre Dame ringing the bell. It's not pleasant let me tell you. Then he says there's going to be a small prick (once again, he's funny) while they administer the ladacaine (sp?). That actually wasn't too bad except I thought they were done with the needles. I think he stuck me 4 or 5 times.

NEXT, things are getting tense and I mean tense. I'm analytical, so I read all sorts of stories from men who have had this procedure. So, I knew the steps of the procedure, but not the explicit details. What they do is, make a small incision, pull OUT of your body the first vas, clamp them off, the snip! Now the pulling out of your body was uncomfortable, the clamping was more so and the SNIP? well, I didn't feel it pain wise, but i felt the cut and it is a weird feeling to say the least. I'm sure it's to a much lesser degree the same as an umbilical cord being cut. Weird.

So, halfway done now. He says something about we can stop now and it'll be half price. This guy is like Rich Little.

Anyway, the second Vas was much MUCH more uncomfortable. They have to pull it around further to PULL IT OUT OF YOUR BODY. Not a natural thing. I was thinking of the Alien popping out of the guy in the movie Alien.

The whole process was over in 10-15 minutes and in hindsight it didn't hurt that bad. Okay, yeah it did! But it was a weird kind of pain, not like losing a toe. It was unfamiliar, kinda like tazering yourself (yes, I know what that feels like).

So now I'm sitting at home, drugged up with a pack of frozen peas in my pants and the term 6-8 hours of feeling like your kicked in the nuts is settling in.

I'm going to keep posting and adding for the next few days to keep people who are interested in the procedure, this means you Bruce.

I'm snippy Bobby and now you know how I feel (drugged and frozen nuts).

The Police Live, No the REAL POLICE

So, get this. Last Friday night, we were hanging at the (ware)home. In case you don’t know, we live in Deep Ellum, a part of Dallas Texas. It’s part artsy, part fartsy, part ghetto, part hideout.

Let’s concentrate on the hideout part.

It’s not unusual for the cops to be around here. In fact the main police station is 3 blocks away from us. Is it safe here? I think it’s just as safe as anywhere around Dallas. Anyway, the police were outside last night around 10pm. No biggie, so I thought. They had sectioned off the whole block, as in no traffic as in I tried to go outside and the police said go back in.

We watch them from a window for a bit, but we can’t see anything. There’s police everywhere and ghetto birds in the sky. Something big is going down.

A small flashback, about 3 weeks ago I was walking Hannah Bear the fabulous hound and walked past our alley. The police were storming in to a warehouse back there. I assumed there were some shenanigans going on, but we all kind of keep to our self around here. I mean we know our neighbors but we don’t play bridge on Thursdays if you get my drift.

Back to last night. The cops are everywhere but we’re over it and Miss M. goes to bed. I’m up surfing the net and watching Lost season 2 on DVD trying to catch something I miss.

About 2 am there’s a lot of noise going on outside and suddenly someone is knocking on the door very, VERY loudly.

By the time I get up I hear someone shout: “Open the door, it’s the Police.” I go to the door and look through the peephole, I don’t see anything. The police cars are still outside so I figure it’s safe to open the door.

I swing the door open , look to the right, nothing. Look straight ahead, nothing. I then look to the left and there are 6 SWAT teams members complete with bullet proof helmets , Kevlar armor and 6 AK style machine guns pointing straight at my head!

I like to think I’m a cool cat in a sticky situation and I’ve had a gun pulled on me before (another story, another time), but I don’t mind saying having automatic weapons pointed at you is a little intimidating.

So, the main guy comes up to me and says “We need to search your place”. It wasn’t a question. I say no problem.

He asks about the layout of our place, if there’s anyone else here etc etc. I lay out the story for him, tell him where everything is and make no mistake these guys were open for business. They were in formation, covering each other as they progressed throughout the place. They kept switching between a really tall cop and a guy my size. Asking if I knew my neighbors, where they were if I had their phone number, etc.

I tell them no, because I don’t. Anyway, they want to go upstairs and ask if anyone is up there. I told them my girlfriend Lori is up there asleep. They tell me to wake her and let her know they’re coming up. I walk up and tell Lori that the police are here and by the end of the sentence the guy was already up there checking the room.

The two cops talking to me are playing good cop, bad cop. One is very nice, the other is very condesending and suspect of me. They were trying to find our neighbor in the alley who had burrowed out of his place and was supposedly in a warehouse between their place and ours. They thought he might have worked his way into our place. Although it's all brick, but you don't argue with machine guns.

The funny thing is, they never searched a few key places someone could've hid had we been harboring a fugitive, which we weren't.

Another crazy thing, I talked to the guy a few hours before the bust. Nothing big, just walking the dog in passing. He was a normal tweaker, if there is such a thing.

The SWAT guys actually used a ramming truck to bust down his door which was made of metal.

A crazy night, a bit of a crazy story.

I'm Snobby Bobby (bullet free) and now you know how I feel.

Corn man, corn

What can I say? I’ve renewed my love of corn. Now, I know what you’re thinking about the toilet paper post and let’s not go there.

Let’s focus on the glorious deliciousness that is corn on the cob. God invented one heckuva food when he put this bad boy together.

I’m not going to lie, my appreciation of corn had died off in my 20’s and early 30’s and I’ll tell you why.

Freshness baby, freshness. Or lack thereof.

The average joe such as myself is a generation of the fast food nation. It’s fast, convenienient and generally bad for you.

The occasional home cooking place or subway style places are an exception. And yes, there’s much more healthy food out there but those that know me know that underneath this urban (semi) professional, ruggedly handsome exterior is a good ole’ meat and potatoes kind of guy.

The corn you get these days have been sitting in water for hours at a time.

Let me tell you that’s sad. After you’ve had a freshly shucked ear of corn it’s hard to imagine anything better in life. It’s the perfect food and it comes naturally gift wrapped by the Big Man himself.

Cooking it? Nothing easier, boil some water, stick the corn in and in about 6-10 minutes you have a wonderful food.

I personally like cutting it off the cob. And I can understand that purists may take offense. I have no problem with that. But my grandpappy used to say “Corn on the cob or off still tastes like corn.” Amen to that.

The crunchiness and texture are something your taste buds are longing for again. You should have some corn.

I recently went to the state fair and you know food goes hand in hand there. So, I thought to myself, yes, yes I will have an ear of corn.

The thing was the biggest ear of corn I’ve seen in a long time, a long time. I carefully put a little salt and pepper on it and bit in. My mouth watering, just waiting for that first bite. I hesitated just a moment to tease myself, and...

BLEH!

It had been sitting in water for what hat to be hours. There was no taste. It was like little yellow water buckets. Sad. SO SAD.

What does all of this mean to you? Well, I’ll tell you. I’m going to save you the headache and tell you now that just about anywhere you get corn besides home will be the same. Either that, or worse, from a can.

But what do I know? I know good corn that’s what. It's in peak season right now (although it's available all year), go get an ear or 10. Minyards has them 10 for $2.00. That's insanity in itself.
.20 cents for something that's almost a meal in itself.

That's it, I'm off to boil an ear right now. Yeah, I know it's 2 a.m. So what?

Now, do yourself a flavor and go get some too. Corny? Yeah, that's the point.

I’m Snobby Bobby and now you know how I feel.

Teachers - The Secret Underworld

Where to begin?

Let's talk about the preconceived notion of a teacher as you look at them through your little beety childhood eyes.

I’ll put my idea out there and you see if we mesh.

Teachers have it made, they work 7 to 3:30, get a lot of holidays off and 3 months off in the summer. They don’t seem to really care, ok, some do but others seem to be getting through day by day until retirement.

Now,

As you may or may not know, my girlfriend (aka Miss Melanoma) is now a teacher. LONG gone are my original childhood thoughts of teachers.

Facts:

1. They work – A LOT. I’m talking a 12 hour day, then home for more work. Insane.
2. They care, and I mean really care. Like stay at school with one student until they ‘get it” care.
3. They’re underpaid. YES, UNDERPAID. The amount of work just in and of itself is quite a bit in their argument for not being paid well enough. I’ve told Lori to keep track of her hours for a month, then we can see what her hourly actually is. My money is on around $5-6/hr. I’m not kidding, they work that much.

I honestly thought the school was asking too much of Lori. She’ll probably hate me for telling you this, but she has cried on more than a few of occasions because of work. I told her this is insane and no job should make you CRY.

The pressure to get your kids to pass the TAKS test is HUUUGGGEEE. Their contract for next year is threatened if their kids don’t pass. Never mind the fact that the school you’re assigned to have high risk kids and a huge amount of them are going to fail no matter what.

It’s enough to say “enough”. But I digress. Teachers are a different breed than I, possibly you too. Think about where your “enough” bar is set at. I bet that a teachers is a lot higher. These people are working their asses off for less pay than they should be getting. I’m amazed they can still find people to do it.

Don’t even get me going on meetings. The amount of meetings teachers have to endure is insane.

Now, I being the analytical type laid all of this out for Lori. She said I don’t understand that I don’t get it. And let me tell you, I’m the first to admit I may be wrong at something.

I kept telling her to call Julie, a friend of ours who has been a teacher for the last few years. Lori reversed it and said I should talk to her.

I said I would. I wanted to get to the bottom of this. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe Lori. It was that I didn’t believe that people would put up with this much.

So I called.

Julie was gracious enough to answer all of my questions honestly, straight forward and without sugar coating. Apparently Lori’s first year is going exactly as most teachers do. Apparently it’s quite normal to cry from your job on occasion. Apparently it’s normal to have 3 meetings after work, including SATURDAYS. Apparently it’s no big thing. This is the life of a teacher.

I was wrong. And Lori had that I told you so grin, and rightfully so.

There are two types of people in the world, teachers and the rest of us. I however couldn’t do it. Kids failing, parents mad, insane work hours and constant threat of losing your job.

And on top of this they have to teach kids, they are TEACHING your kids. They need to be thanked and they should be on the higher end of the pay scale instead of the lower.

I’m Snobby Bobby and now you know how I feel.

Bald Or Mullet?

I hope this rant finds you well.

Baldness, it's celulite for men. Yeah, bald can be cool but take a poll of 100 bald guys and I bet you 99 of them say they wish they still had hair.

BUT, pose this question and it's a whole different ball game. Tell a bald guy he can have hair but it HAS TO BE A MULLET.

Now, you see what I'm saying. Bald or mullet. I gotta say I'd stick with bald (and I'm acknowledging I have no choice in the matter). I guess I'm semi lucky enough to have a decent shaped head, albeit very large.

These poor bastards that go bald to reveal a skin covered skull that looks like volcanic rock from the Pompeii disaster....well I feel for them.

No, I don't have a head like say John Luke Picard from Star Trek, but I have been told a few times that I look better bald. You know what? At 38 years old I can finally see it. Yeah, I'm a big boy I can take it.

But then I think, maybe it's just getting older and accepting my hairless fate. Well, I say hairless, I'm covered in hair everywhere else except my head.

When I was around 21 someone told me I was going to go bald, and I freaked. I even bought the version of minoxodil before it was minoxodil.

At 25'ish I went to a hair replacement clinic even though I still had a ton of hair. I went in and there were around 6-8 bald guys all around 40-50 years in age. They looked at me like a traitor, like "you've got hair you little whipper snapper, get out!" but I stayed for my free consult and the Hair Tech was very sympathetic aobut my impending mr. clean look. She said they would cut the hair that I have now off, put 4 snaps into my skull(!!!) and then pick a hairpeice that fits my lifestyle. Now, at this point I was over anything that has to do with snapping hair onto my head, but I hung around to get more of the scoop. Well, it costs about $1500.00 and you have to come in for periodic "maintenance", like a tune-up for hair.

Anyway, she shows me different hair styles and they are all bad, like child molestor bad, well except for the Shatner Turbo 2000, that was sweet. It was from the TJ Hooker days. But I don't look good in curly, tight, snap-on hair.

So, I told them no thanks and bolted.



I'm Snobby Bobby and now you know how I feel.

Toilet Paper....Are you sure you wanna know?

This is a rant that if you're squeamish you may not want to read any further. If I still have your attention then read on.

I'm hairy, plain and simple. For reasons that only God (and my real dad…long story) knows I'm hairy all over except my head. Every crack (pun) and crevice has hair.

Now I’m going to fess up on some things that you may not think happens, but it does. It’s kind of like when parents are told their kids are doing drugs and they respond “Not my kids”. Yes, your kids.

Toilet paper has changed quite a bit over the four hundred years or so that it’s been around. Days after Thomas Crapper invented the modern day toilet he realized that there needed to be a way to transfer poop from the brown eye to the newly invented porcelain god. I doubt he knew how many times people would bow down and pray to the “golden calf” entity he created.

I digress.

Toilet paper (hereafter referred to TP) is still around in its original form. Don’t believe me? Go to 7-11 and buy Marcal TP. It’s rough. Like strap it to your sander and make a patio deck ruff.

There are many variations of toilet paper. Aloe, Quilted, Double Roll, hell even TRIPLE roll come to mind.

That’s all well and good, but guess what? Not one of them is hairy butt friendly. That’s right. Not one.

I don’t even want to think about a bidet. I’m from Lubbock, and beneath this hipster doofus exterior lies a good ole’ boy.

Back out now, it’s your last chance.

I go through a LOT of TP. I can burn a half a roll easily in one sitting. I’m talking wiping from the back, front, side and putting TP on the ground and scooting. A 3 flusher is nothing new to me.

I’ve heard all of the supposed solutions: shave your butthole. Well I’ll tell you what, you go first then I’ll go.

I shaved my chest once and when the hair grew back it was like I had a porcupine duct taped to my chest. Never again. I can’t even begin to imagine my virgin brown eye taking a haircut. I also shaved my legs when I was 12 planning to act like I cut my legs up to scare my mom. I used red food dye for the blood. Let's just say I wore pants the whole summer.

I’m working on a compressed air solution but I haven’t figured out how to contain the blow back. I’ve searched NASA’s site and they have a solution for space travel although it’s proprietary and classified.

Suggestions are appreciated. In the meantime if you invite me over for dinner stock up on your TP.

I’m Snobby Bobby and now you know how I feel.