Vasectomy - AKA Nut Snip 2k7

For years I talked about getting a vasectomy. I've never wanted kids. In fact it was the reason that an ex-girlfriend and I didn't work out.

Many delays and punking out led up to last week when I decided it was time. So, I made my appointment and went in for an initial consult.

For the sake of anonymity let's called my vasectomy liason at Planned Parenthood Svetlana. Now Svetlana is from Russia I believe and pretty darn hot. In fact all the ladies working there were hot. I don't know if that's some sort of ploy or what. Anyway, Svetlana is very hands on, touching your arm, rubbing your shoulder that kind of thing. She said she had a video for me to watch and it was a little outdated. So, she's trying to get this video playing. She gets down on her knees and out pops her little white g-string. I've seen thicker sewing thread than this. She's bending over, saying things like "I can't get it in, can you help me? It's too tight or stuck or something". By now I'm looking for Alan Funt Jr. to pop out and say I'm on Candid Camera. I saw way too much of her butt crack. Or not enough depending on your view.

She gets the video to play and says it's around 10 minutes. So I'm sitting there watching this video and for those of you who know George (from Mandy's side of the world), the "Dr." looked just like him. Tim and Tina in the video had 2 children and were over it. Tim stepped up to the plate and offered himself for the snip snip instead of the wifey going in for the full overhaul. There were questions to be asked and they did a good job of asking them. After they left, they hopped back in their Dodge K car (really) and were talking while the soft rock classic (now, not then) "Foolish Heart" by Steve Perry was playing. They casually talk about how nice it will be once the procedure is done. Translation: Look bitch, I ain't knocking you up again. In fact I think you're boning the milkman and we'll know pretty soon eh?

I digress.
She sits me down after the video and asks the typical "are you sure questions" all the while her knee is touching mine. COME ON! I swear it's some sort of test.

Anyway, so I say yes I'm sure. She says we can get you into the office for the procedure in 5 days or 14. I tell her I'm tired of waiting and opt for the 5 days.

Well, I'd been pretty calm about it until last night (the night before the operation). I didn't sleep a wink and was having some serious anxiety. They told me when I came in for the operation they could give me a valium. Yes, please.

So, I go in, take the valium, pee in a cup and generally freak out. I seriously considered leaving. I started to realize how, very sharp scalpels, prods, grabbing tools etc were not meant to be near my frank and beans. I wait as other guys who are white as a ghost go in before me. Finally they call my name and yes, the valium had kicked in. I was relaxed, but still very nervous. My nurse was awesome and really tried to calm me down, but I'd already decided to stick my wallet in my mouth to chomp on. She put the dressing on me, pulled out the beans, cleaned 'em up with some iodine and said the doctor would be here shortly.

This is the part where it was completely valid in my head to run out of the patient room, out the hallway, into the lobby, in the elevator and run while my jackson and johnson were hanging out through this plastic covered "tarp" that exposed things you usually keep private.

Then, in walks the doctor. I tell him I'm very nervous. I'm not sure be he said you should be. Ha, freaking Ha. I ask him if he's had it done and he say's "No! I'm 30". Ummm, ok. Meanwhile he said he's going to look for the Vas (term for the sperm highway tube) from both testacles.

NOW. Things are weird enough that another man is yanking on my balls like he's the huncback of Notre Dame ringing the bell. It's not pleasant let me tell you. Then he says there's going to be a small prick (once again, he's funny) while they administer the ladacaine (sp?). That actually wasn't too bad except I thought they were done with the needles. I think he stuck me 4 or 5 times.

NEXT, things are getting tense and I mean tense. I'm analytical, so I read all sorts of stories from men who have had this procedure. So, I knew the steps of the procedure, but not the explicit details. What they do is, make a small incision, pull OUT of your body the first vas, clamp them off, the snip! Now the pulling out of your body was uncomfortable, the clamping was more so and the SNIP? well, I didn't feel it pain wise, but i felt the cut and it is a weird feeling to say the least. I'm sure it's to a much lesser degree the same as an umbilical cord being cut. Weird.

So, halfway done now. He says something about we can stop now and it'll be half price. This guy is like Rich Little.

Anyway, the second Vas was much MUCH more uncomfortable. They have to pull it around further to PULL IT OUT OF YOUR BODY. Not a natural thing. I was thinking of the Alien popping out of the guy in the movie Alien.

The whole process was over in 10-15 minutes and in hindsight it didn't hurt that bad. Okay, yeah it did! But it was a weird kind of pain, not like losing a toe. It was unfamiliar, kinda like tazering yourself (yes, I know what that feels like).

So now I'm sitting at home, drugged up with a pack of frozen peas in my pants and the term 6-8 hours of feeling like your kicked in the nuts is settling in.

I'm going to keep posting and adding for the next few days to keep people who are interested in the procedure, this means you Bruce.

I'm snippy Bobby and now you know how I feel (drugged and frozen nuts).