Toilet Paper....Are you sure you wanna know?

This is a rant that if you're squeamish you may not want to read any further. If I still have your attention then read on.

I'm hairy, plain and simple. For reasons that only God (and my real dad…long story) knows I'm hairy all over except my head. Every crack (pun) and crevice has hair.

Now I’m going to fess up on some things that you may not think happens, but it does. It’s kind of like when parents are told their kids are doing drugs and they respond “Not my kids”. Yes, your kids.

Toilet paper has changed quite a bit over the four hundred years or so that it’s been around. Days after Thomas Crapper invented the modern day toilet he realized that there needed to be a way to transfer poop from the brown eye to the newly invented porcelain god. I doubt he knew how many times people would bow down and pray to the “golden calf” entity he created.

I digress.

Toilet paper (hereafter referred to TP) is still around in its original form. Don’t believe me? Go to 7-11 and buy Marcal TP. It’s rough. Like strap it to your sander and make a patio deck ruff.

There are many variations of toilet paper. Aloe, Quilted, Double Roll, hell even TRIPLE roll come to mind.

That’s all well and good, but guess what? Not one of them is hairy butt friendly. That’s right. Not one.

I don’t even want to think about a bidet. I’m from Lubbock, and beneath this hipster doofus exterior lies a good ole’ boy.

Back out now, it’s your last chance.

I go through a LOT of TP. I can burn a half a roll easily in one sitting. I’m talking wiping from the back, front, side and putting TP on the ground and scooting. A 3 flusher is nothing new to me.

I’ve heard all of the supposed solutions: shave your butthole. Well I’ll tell you what, you go first then I’ll go.

I shaved my chest once and when the hair grew back it was like I had a porcupine duct taped to my chest. Never again. I can’t even begin to imagine my virgin brown eye taking a haircut. I also shaved my legs when I was 12 planning to act like I cut my legs up to scare my mom. I used red food dye for the blood. Let's just say I wore pants the whole summer.

I’m working on a compressed air solution but I haven’t figured out how to contain the blow back. I’ve searched NASA’s site and they have a solution for space travel although it’s proprietary and classified.

Suggestions are appreciated. In the meantime if you invite me over for dinner stock up on your TP.

I’m Snobby Bobby and now you know how I feel.